A 23years old girl came to find some answers from her past life. She said, Dr Vandana, I feel some issues with me since my 7th class. I feel the fear of loss of parents. There is frequent hollowness and unwantedness, from such a young age. I felt fantasies of being sexually used, even though I was not aware of these things at such a young age. I felt guilty as I grew up.
Session……
I am 12 yrs old girl going to market to buy something. Now I am going back very fast as I have to reach before evening. This is some hilly area. It is early 19th century. If I will be late, a man will hit me on my hands. I reached the home. I am in a room. There are three more kids. We are 2 girls and 2 boys. It is a big house. The owner is rich. He gave us a very ordinary room. He gives us very little food but we are still happy that at least we have a roof on our head. We treat each other as brothers and sisters.
That man is physically abusing me. It seems it is a routine with me. I am not resisting. It feels I am used and addicted to it now.
It is morning. I am just remembering my childhood. My home was very small. I lived with my parents, cow, brother and many sisters. There was lot of work in my home. My father an angry man. One day he got angry, held my hand and took me out of the home. He left me at a bridge but I ran after him and reached back home. I am in home and feel afraid now. I feel nobody loves me. I am only 5 yrs old. After few months, my father got angry again. This time he held hands of me and my younger sister also. On the way my sister freed herself and ran back to home. He left me very far on some road and disappeared. After few seconds a man came on a horse, stopped and touched my cheeks. He picked me up and brought to the house where we live now. There are two more kids here. Later in the night he comes again, took me to another room and abused me physically. I am crying with pain. He is laughing and then he went. The other 2 boys and girl came and sat with me as if they care for me. I feel very sad when I remember this.
My life is going on like this. I am young now. I am 27 and still in this house. I feel I have developed some complex due to physical abuse. I remember my home but I never tried to go and find it. I have marks of hitting on my hands. Man seems old. We all work for him only as if we are thankful to him for giving us shelter.
The man is very old, 95 yrs and I am 38. The boys went somewhere. The girl is here and works with me. The man died. Now we keep many girls here. I feel most them are abandoned. We both take care of them. I feel the pain of loneliness and being abandoned. We do some work and sell things for our running expenses.
It is time of my death. I am 46. Only girls are there. They are giving lot of love to me [visibly crying]. The girls buried me in the garden of that house. They do not know how to do cremate?
In light the feeling of forgiveness for father came. Lesson learnt “Let GO”. Reorientation…… Dr Vandana, when I searched and planned my session with you, my father had a dream glimpse in which he felt that he abandoned me in some life. In light an understanding came that my father came back on that road after one hour and could not find me because that man had already picked me and taken away with him. He searched for me, it became dark, but he could not find me. This understanding helped me to forgive my father completely. Thank you Dr Vandana, I got many answers.
